


Sometime Around

by etgoddess



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-23 08:32:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14930801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/etgoddess/pseuds/etgoddess
Summary: Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.





	1. Midnight

**Author's Note:**

> Nate's POV.

And it starts, sometime around midnight

_(at least that’s when his tequila catches up with his rum and he can lose Nathaniel Fitzwilliam Archibald in the crowd)_

And the blinding lights let him forget where he is and the music buries what brought him here

_(her smile and his smarm and their lips and that sweet skin on those silk sheets and all sweat and tears and where were you, where were you, why weren’t you there, and why didn’t you know?)_

He hasn’t seen her in months

_(you didn’t say goodbye)_

And he had to hear it from Dan that she was home

_(where have you been?)_

And after three months he’d thought maybe it was time to look for her

_(find her, bring her back, bring her home where he needed her Goddamnit)_

But then by month four reality had set in and he’d realized she’d left _him_ just like his father and mother before her and there was no use looking for someone who didn’t want to be found and so he took the volume of his life that read ‘ _Jenny_ ’ on the cover and stashed it

_(he thought he’d trashed it, buried it deep)_

But he can’t mistake the feeling that crawls across his neck and claws up the base of his spine

_(and she’s watching him and he feels it and that smile, that smile tugs low in his gut)_

And she’s laughing

_(and she’s clutching that cup and he can feel those fingers;  pressing, blanching, harder)_

And he can’t see straight

_(and he can’t feel straight)_

And, and she’s talking to him

_(and when did she cross the room?)_

And he’s always thought he’d have so much to say if he ever got the chance

_(this chance that’s jumped in his lap and all he can do is clamor for oxygen, and words, words fail him miserably)_

And all he can breathe is her and the space around him becomes pale, bare, smooth skin

_(and he’s drowning in her)_

The waves drag him down, she is the wind and the rain and the land and the sea

_(there are knee socks against his toes and the gentle scrape of buttons beneath his fingers and those damn extensions are tickling his nose)_

And what he wants to say is _‘I love you, I’m sorry, why the fuck did you leave me?’_ and he knows he should say _‘what happened, where have you been, are you okay?’_ because she left town for Christ sakes, but all that comes out is _‘hi’_ and a polite chuckle and a ‘ _it’s good to see you’_ even while his eyes are burning holes in her clothes.

 

He is lost. 

_(He’s always lost but this…)_

She knows. 

_(She buries him deeper.)_

And he tries to hate her

_(he’s always trying to hate her)_

Sometimes he thinks he almost does. 

He doesn’t want to see Chuck in everything that reminds him of her

_(he doesn’t want to see him in her)_

But now they’re both polluted, tainted, poisoned

_(and maybe this was her plan all along)_

And maybe they like this game

_(maybe they’re more like Blair and Chuck than they’d like to admit)_

Maybe they get off on the

_(push, pull, kick, slap, punish, repair)_

tug of war they can’t escape. 

 

There are hands on her hips and her pulse races under someone else’s lips

_(and he just stands there while a stranger paws her and pulls her away from their conversation and he imagines this is what it must’ve been with Chuck)_

And what he really wants to do is punch his fucking face in until he can see out the other side of his skull, and what he should do is introduce himself because he’s not supposed to care, but all he does is stare

_(your blood boiling, your stomach in ropes)_

at the way her fingers hesitate and her lips trip over her words

_(that tells him all is not yet lost)_

but this knowledge does not temper the wrath that simmers and overruns the space between his gut and his fist

_(and she knows)_

She will make this one count.

_(she makes sure you saw her; she looks right at you and bolts)_

And takes his last frayed thread of control with her

_(you swayed your hips and stole the breath that I was taking)_

He feels the distance between them bend and stretch

_(and I kinda think that we can bend, do you?)_

And he wonders just how far they can pull before it finally snaps and leaves them free

_(but you don’t want to be free, you want the blonde with the blue eyes with your heart in her hands walking out the door)_

 

And the color from your face, drains,

_(and your friends say what is it, you look like you’ve seen a ghost)_

And Dan is there and he’s asking, demanding,

_(and you won’t tell him, you won’t say I need your sister, Dan, because you’ve had this fight and it doesn’t end differently in take two)_

And you’re pushing, shoving, clawing through the crowd and people are yelling and calling after you and they don’t understand, they’ll never understand and you don’t care you have to get out

_(and you know Chuck would understand, he would commiserate with the driving need for someone but you’ll never bring it up and you never want to hear her name pass his lips because all you can think about is moaning and roaming hands and don’t touch her, she is not yours, she is mine)_

 

And he’s stumbling, tripping, walking,

_(trying)_

And the street lights are glaring but it might as well be dark and he is too drunk to notice the uncomfortable bypassers and he doesn’t care what he looks like

_(the world is falling around you)_

And she is just around the corner of this block, the next block, she’s close and he won’t lose her again she won’t slip through his listless fingers

_(you just have to see her)_

and he needs her

_(you know that she’ll break you in two)_

And she knows, she knows who he is and if she remembers then maybe she can remind him, and he, he doesn’t see the hair and the makeup and the expensive clothes

_(you see the blonde girl with the bow in her hair that stole your heart on the steps of a UES walkup with her kindness and her wisdom and God she’s beautiful and she sees outside the money and fame and scandal to the little boy who just wants to make his father proud)_

He sees the girl who held his hands because they were shaking

_(and I count the steps from where I am to where I started)_

And he wants to turn around, walk back, find home, find her

_(but he’s not so sure you can ever really go home again)_

He is afraid he is too late and he thinks maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing to start over, start again with this new Jenny

_(I’ll try my best to follow if I can but)_

 

He sits. 

And he stares at the stars.

And he pretends not to grieve for the little girl that was and he says a prayer for the little boy that loved her and he imagines a world where NateandJenny meet for drinks on weeknights and

_(you just have to see her)_

cameras don’t flash and Nathaniel and Queen J don’t exist

_(you just have to see her)_

 

 

_(you know that she’ll break you in two)_


	2. Last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Music credit goes to Taylor Swift's "Last Kiss". Line credit goes to the girls at FF for "the prince did not save the princess from the dragon; the princess had sex with the dragon and let its breath consume her whole".   
> Jenny’s P.O.V., companion to "Midnight". Cross-posted to nate_jenny LJ comm and ff.net.

And it starts, sometime around midnight

_(at least that’s when she finds that friendly numbness and lets it pull her down deep and she becomes the crowd, wraps it around her like a shield)_

And sometimes when the strobe light pounds and the beat pervades her body she thinks tonight might be the night she forgets what brought her here

_(I still remember the look on your face)_

Because it has been long enough

_(since you stared at him through the darkness at 1:58)_

Since she cut her ties and cut her losses

_(the words that you whispered for just us to know)_

And it took three days of slinking around the city for her to tell her own family she was back

_(you told me you loved me so why did you go away)_

But she can’t help but feel like he should’ve known, he should have known

_(and where were you and why didn’t you look for me, why didn’t you find me, why didn’t you bring me back?)_

just like she knows the feeling that dusts over her shoulder, her collarbone, and warms the tips of her fingers

_(and he’s watching her and she soaks  it up and her lips curl at the corners without permission and the tug in her chest feels like coming home)_

And she’s laughing

_(because if she doesn’t laugh off the nervous energy she’s going to cry and her fingers are blanching and she’s got a death grip on her glass)_

And she smells rain and coffee

_(and the music thumps like a heartbeat)_

And she can feel his arms

_(around her waist, over her shoulders, fingers in her hair)_

And she can’t control it

_(like she’s proven she can’t control anything around him)_

And her legs carry her across the room despite the crowds and chaos

_(and nothing has changed because nothing has ever been able to keep her from him)_

And all she can see is those eyes and the space around her is electrified, alive, aware,

_(and they are still NateandJenny)_

She tries to pull it together

_(like she doesn’t still sit on the floor wearing his clothes when she’s drowning)_

But the riptide drags her down, he is her natural disaster

_(bangs tickle her nose and a finger drags a knee sock down one calf and she hates all the buttons on these flannels he continues to wear)_

 

She is lost. 

_(I don’t know how to be something you miss.)_

She is not sure how they got here because she is not sure where they ended

_(because she’s not sure where they began)_

He sees

_(never thought we’d have a last kiss)_

everything she’d love to hide

_(forever your name on my lips)_

And she thinks if only he would hate her he would stop watching so closely for every stutter in her movement and every hitch in her words

_(I do remember the swing of your step)_

Sometimes she thinks he must.

Especially now when everyone that thinks Jenny Humphrey thinks Chuck Bass

_(that is one title she’d always thought would be his)_

But she spent a year screaming

_(pleading)_

for someone

_(anyone)_

to listen

_(and in the end of her fairytale the prince did not save the princess from the dragon; the princess had sex with the dragon and let its breath consume her whole)_

And maybe this is how it was supposed to end and Chuck and Blair were right and they are just as fucked up as the rest of the world

_(but I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets, how you’d kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something; there’s not a day I don’t miss those rude interruptions)_

 

And none of it fucking matters because there are hands on her hips and lips tease her throat that belong to someone tall, dark, and meaningless

_(and you take joy in this, hope he drowns in how you feel every day you watch his life in pictures like you used to watch him sleep; Gossip Girl is always generous with gratuitous Nathaniel Archibald shots.)_

And she will make this one count

_(because I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe)_

Because sooner or later Eric and Dan and Chuck and Blair and Serena will get tired of the weekly briefings

_(and I’ll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are)_

So she scratches deep, digs her nails in and takes a piece of him with her so later when the sun is finally shining and it’s a beautiful day something will remind him and he’ll wish he had stayed. 

 

She looks at him one last time

_(one more, she promised herself)_

And he’s already staring back and she allows herself one fleeting minute to feel all they were and all they are and all they will never be and she bolts

_(she tells herself she’s just going for a walk around the block to cool off because if she lets herself absorb the fact that this is the last time she will be strong enough to see him she will never move her feet through that door)_

And she hopes that it hurts forever because at least then when he thinks of her he will feel something

_(because she left her heart with the boy with the blue eyes and brown bangs five years ago)_

And she must be drunk or shaking because people are looking at her funny and the guy at the corner asked if she was alright and she raises her hands up to check and they’re getting wet and she thinks it is rain but she realizes she’s crying and people must think she is crazy

_(but you don’t care because you promised yourself you wouldn’t do this, you promised you could handle it)_

And you’ve gotta stop before you make it back to the tiny apartment in Dumbo you’re sharing with your brother because Dan will know

_(and you tried telling him, Dan, I need Nate, because he knows what it’s like to need someone but you had this conversation three years ago and it doesn’t end differently in take two)_

And you’re not sure where you are because you’ve been snotting and stumbling blindly and in circles and the summer city heat is oppressive even at night and there are people everywhere

_(just not the right one)_

And they don’t understand, they must not understand because they wouldn’t be asking ‘ _are you okay?_ ’ if they did because you are not okay and you’re not sure you ever will be and you want to tell them so but you can only moan because you see blue blazers and brown hair everywhere you turn

_(and you hate NYC for the first time in your life because she taunts you like a cruel woman that holds what you can’t have and you know Chuck would understand, he would commiserate with the driving need and the inhumanity of being taunted by reminders and shadows and memories of the one you lost and wishing you were a stranger in the only place you have ever called home but you won’t go to him because the picture of you entering the Empire will hit Gossip Girl in under thirty seconds)_

And you’re lying to everyone when you say you want to make him bleed the way he’s made you cry; and you know _that_ , that will be the thing to break him because _that_ is what he has always been for you

_(confidant, therapist, white knight extraordinaire)_

 

So she’s faltering, tripping, walking

_(trying)_

And she is not drunk enough to remain numb when she finds herself at the steps of the apartments where she’d spent Blair’s birthday with Nate, all those lifetimes ago

_(the beginning of the end; why didn’t she see it?)_

And she’d been so sure her life was turning around and Nathaniel Archibald was just around the corner of this block, the next block, whenever she needed _(wanted)_ him; they were close, and they lost it and she’s not sure when it slipped through their listless fingers or why

_(I never planned on you changing your mind)_

Because she loved him, God, how she loved him

 

And she sits. 

And she gazes at the stars and she names one Nate and one Jenny and doesn’t find solace in the fact that they are closer to eachother than Queen J and Nathaniel ever will be. 

_(Never imagined we’d end like this.)_

 

 

_(I never thought we’d have our last kiss.)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/reviews are welcome!

**Author's Note:**

> Music credit to Airborne Toxic Event's "Sometime Around Midnight".


End file.
